I've had a couple of kind of serious posts swimming around in my head since I've been back from vacation.
School starts in three days though, so the big huge mind-blowing posts that I wanted aren't going to happen. These two issues are just so huge that I wanted to do them justice, promote discussion and sharing and all that good stuff. So instead of big sophisticated planned posts, I'm just going to dive right in.
The first kind of serious post I've EVER written I want to be about the topic of Women and our weight issues. Do we all have them? I worked really hard this summer to lost the 15 pounds that had accumulated over the last year. I was in the gym constantly and moving constantly with the goal of feeling good for my vacation home. When school let out in May I only had one pair of jeans I felt comfortable in and they were a size 14. I have a ton of pants in a size 10, which is where I feel my best and just wanted to be able to wear them this summer. I feel wonderful about myself and I feel strong when I'm regularly active! I feel like I can take over the world and I swear I just walk different.
Side Note: Isn't it true that we always have more of our "skinny" clothes because that's when we love to shop? I only own one pair of the size 14 jeans though because I don't really want to have to wear those jeans for very long. End Size Note.
So I got home from Vacation and all the motivation was just GONE. I have a list of my reasons, including a full 3-credit summer class that I finished in 3 weeks, but I wasn't doing it 12 hours a day. I totally could have made it to the gym too. It's like the habit of going to the gym was broken and there was no way to put it all back together again. It's been 4 weeks and I have yet to step foot back in to the YMCA.
And when that happens, I notice the changes in my psyche. I start feeling like I'm getting bigger again and all the guilt from each bowl of honey-nut cheerios (instead of oatmeal) or piece of apple pie (instead of a baked cinnamon apple) start to add up. I notice an extra lump here and maybe these are tighter than the last time I put them on until one day I look in the mirror and start to cry. I'm still wearing my size 10 jeans, but I just feel differently about myself.
Mr. Pie encouraged me to get on the scale again for the first time since I've been back from vacation. In actuality I'm still the same weight I was when we left. According to the scale that day I am exactly the same weight. How is it my brain can distort my self images so completely? How is it I can not move, eat pretty much all the junk I want and not gain a single pound in a month? I know the scale is a cruel master and it's not to be relied upon but wow. I was so wrong when I thought I'd gained a bunch of weight.
And that's the beginning of the cycle, isn't it? When I think I've gained weight, plus I've already been low on the motivation, then I just start eating crap because it's there. Fall is the perfect combination of lots of circumstances for this attitude to hit me too! The cooler weather calling on me to start baking, combined with the stresses and time constraints of school starting again and BAM! I just stop caring about how I look. At least then I'm not crying at the mirror, right? Before long, I've gained the 15 pounds back on and just can't stand it anymore, so I renew my long-gone gym membership and it starts all over again. Sigh.
I've heard comments about weight from friends all around me my whole life. It doesn't matter what size they are, either! I used to think that if I could just be naturally thin like THAT friend, I wouldn't have worries like this, until one day I realized she stresses over 5 pounds like I stress over my 15.
Ladies. We need to find a way to stop these cycles together. I've gotten better, I suppose. At one time it was more like 30 pounds to complete the cycle, not 15, but still. It's a form of self-abuse, isn't it? It's not mentally or physically healthy.
Let's talk about this!